Why “Let Them” Doesn’t Always Work — Even If You Love Mel Robbins (Like I Do)
Let me start by saying this:
I love Mel Robbins.
Her podcast was a pivotal part of my healing journey. I used to take long walks and listen for hours. She’s brilliant, relatable, and her work gave me the push I needed to believe that change was possible.
Her new book, The Let Them Theory, promises to help readers:
Manage stress
Stop fearing others’ opinions
Handle rejection
Overcome comparison
Choose healthy love
Support others better
And ultimately, let people be who they are without losing yourself in the process
It’s a practical mindset shift based on a simple but powerful idea:
You can’t control others. But you can choose how you respond.
And I agree.
But here’s the thing:
Mindset isn’t always enough.
The Problem Isn’t Mel. It’s Capacity.
Mel’s advice is clear, empowering, and practical — if your nervous system is in a place where it can receive it.
But what happens if your body isn’t regulated?
What if your system is constantly bracing for rejection, conflict, or abandonment?
That’s what most self-help advice (even the well-intentioned kind) tends to overlook:
The body has to feel safe before the mind can make new choices.
We don’t fail at these tools because we’re weak, or not trying hard enough.
We struggle because many of us live in chronic survival states — stuck in loops of hypervigilance, shutdown, or shame.
Why You Can’t Just “Let Them” When You’re Activated
When we’re triggered, our nervous system often responds in one of two ways:
Reactively (fight/flee: reaching out, confronting, chasing clarity)
Avoidantly (freeze/fawn: collapsing, shutting down, over-explaining)
The amygdala, your brain’s alarm system, hijacks your ability to stay rational. You might know all the “right” things to do — take deep breaths, journal, say “let them” — but still spiral, still reach out, still obsessively check your phone.
I’ve been there.
I used to repeat affirmations like “Let them go” after being ghosted.
I’d breathe deeply, do EFT tapping, go for walks.
And then... I'd spiral.
Either I’d write a long message explaining how hurt I felt and then feel ashamed...
Or I’d collapse into numbness and exhaustion, wondering what was wrong with me.
Nothing was wrong with me.
My body just needed more than a mindset shift.
What You Actually Need: Embodied Resilience
Tools like deep breathing and self-talk can lessen the immediate charge — and that’s important. But if your body is holding onto past experiences of abandonment, rejection, or not being seen, you’ll keep defaulting to the same loops.
To truly access calm, clarity, and choice, you need to:
Create safety in your body (not just your thoughts)
Build capacity to sit with discomfort without reacting impulsively
Validate your emotional experience while staying connected to yourself
That’s what I call embodied resilience — the ability to hold emotional intensity and stay grounded enough to make connected (not fear-based) decisions.
Mindset Isn’t the Enemy. It Just Needs a Partner.
Let me be clear:
Mel Robbins is brilliant. Her work helps millions. And for some people, it may be exactly the nudge they need.
But if you’ve tried “just letting them” and still feel stuck... it’s not because you’re broken.
It’s because your nervous system is doing its job.
And it needs more support.
If This Resonates… Let’s Talk
I work 1:1 with women who are incredibly self-aware — but still find themselves stuck in the same emotional patterns.
If you’ve read all the books, know all the “why’s,” but still can’t shift how you feel in the moment...
You’re not alone.
I’ll help you connect with your body, increase your capacity, and build a foundation of resilience that isn’t performative — it’s lived.
Click here to apply for 1:1 coaching with me.